29 March 2007

Culling the human race...

There are precisely 5 sorts of humans who should be wiped off the face of the planet. It would be a great injustice for these things to breed, propagating their inferior and very stupid genes around the place.

"Dieeeee...!!!"


Here they are, in order of decreasing right to exist:

5. The Inconsiderate

This is the turd who talks behind you in the cinema and kicks your seat. The asshole who stands on the toilet seat (either that or urinates all over it for fun). The type of smoker who blows smoke in your face and tells you "Oh, it's my right - this is not a non-smoking area."

He's the rich prick in the Mercedes Benz who double parks on a busy main road because he doesn't want to pay parking fees (thus causing a jam). Who also tosses rubbish out his car window because it's dirty. The annoying kid who pushes his way past you on a crowded queue/escalator (some adults do this too!!! - mostly mainland Chinese).

These are the people who queue jump. The lazy co-worker who expects others to pick up the slack.

What's rather annoying about these idiots is that everything that they do is at an inconvenience to someone else. Which is rather funny, because even they are annoyed by their own kind.


4. The Disgusting

This is the retard who wets the entire bathroom by cleaning his face, or flings his hands everywhere except into the basin after washing them (thus, splattering water over all other humans in the vicinity).

He's the chain-smoker who gives you a shoulder massage - leaving a nauseating imprint of his scent on your collars (no, I'm not making this up!). The horribly overweight woman who wears a belt, passing it off as a skirt (strangely, this type of person also wears enough perfume to kill a small mammal).

He's the mainland Chinese who chews with his mouth open (making those awful, sticky sounds). He also sneezes/coughs at you repeatedly.

They are also the people whose behaviours don't match their appearances (i.e. acting cute when they are ugly, trying to be sexy when they are revolting, talking with American accents when their basic grammatical skills are absent).

These are people who offend you by virtue of being themselves. Terrible.


3. The Condescending

This is the person who takes the high horse, the mightier than thou attitude... The bitch (I'm not talking about anyone in particular, really!) who seems to have done everything before you have, eaten at all your favourite restaurants before yourself. read every bloody book that you're planning to read and... you know what I'm saying. And for some reason, your opinions don't seem to carry much weight with them. For that matter, they don't even seem to be listening - she hears the first half of your sentence and goes, "Yeah, I've done that before..." and proceeds to finish your sentence, tell you what your opinions/experiences are AND later tells you that you're sorely mistaken and that her ideas and experiences are, in fact, better.

She then goes "Aww... you poor thing. Too bad you're not as intelligent as me. I should have told you."

But you didn't, so shut up and DIE!!!

Oh yeah, and these people often place a huge importance on intelligence and often compare themselves to others (who for some reason, are always more stupid than they are). Wankers.


2. The parrot

These are the people who have no opinion of their own. Rather, they often share opinions with someone who just said something 5 seconds prior. The same applies to their general knowledge. In any mildly interesting discussion, their sentences always seem to begin with "Oh yeah!", followed by an echo of what someone else just said.

In meetings, discussions and general chitchat, the parrots are supremely annoying because they add nothing to the conversation yet prolong it unnecessarily. And worse, sometimes they mis-quote facts and come out looking incredibly ignorant.

And the moment you ask these people something, they shut up - unable to say anything. Unable to come up with an original opinion simply because they have none. And if they do have an opinion about something, it's either something extremely obvious, trivial or borrowed from someone.

These people are soulless - they wander the Earth absorbing personalities from all who surround them. Which is quite funny when you realise that they take on the most obvious traits from everyone around them.

While these sort of humans are of no danger to mankind, they should be put to sleep for their own sakes.


1. The shameless

These are probably the worst sort of humans - they know that they're being unreasonable, two-faced, inconsiderate, disgusting and so on - yet, they persist!

This is the sort of person who will give thirteen million excuses why she hasn't got time to do something, and later goes for a 2-hour lunch. Or spends the next hour playing computer games - all this after asking for an extension.

The sort of person who says that she has to leave work early (with unfinished business) because of an early appointment the next day - only that she's really gone off to party and her appointment is at 10am (Wow... THAT's early).

This is also the sort of person who kisses ass.

This is the person who is paid more than some of her colleagues, yet does less than half the amount of work AND COMPLAINS THAT THERE'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!

This is the guy who is conveniently struck by a hard-to-diagnose virus everytime there's a hint of pressure at work.

This is the guy who asks you for a favour, and then CRITICISES you for not meeting his expectations.


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Admittedly, most of us slip into one of these categories when we are not at our best (I probably fit into at least two myself).

However, I've actually met at least two beings that seem to be in ALL FIVE categories on a fairly regular basis.

There. I've let it out...

-_-

21 March 2007

The pig flew!

Today, the guys at the office witnessed an incredible event. After coming up with a page 1 byline in The Star on Saturday (Mar 17, 2007), Steven Patrick bought us lunch!

No, really! In spite of all the pressure, he actually showed up for work today and followed us to Kanna Curry House in SS2. And he actually paid for the bill! With his own money!

Which means that he really isn't a cheap bastard! At all!!! Here, we've got photos to prove it:

Steven paying the cashier


Steven waiting for the change


Steven with the receipt



See? He actually paid for lunch!



Steven Patrick, we salute you. We now officially forgive you for all the times you finished the biscuits and chocolate on the cabinet and didn't throw away the empty packets. You're the man...

And thanks for lunch!

19 March 2007

Trademark infringement

Just got my Nikon D70 back from the service centre when I bumped into this car in traffic:

It's a learner driver. Slow, hogs up the left lane and often stalls at traffic lights during rush hour. This one's got a handicapped driver, though - hence the picture of a wheelchair next to the license plate and a little sign that says:

Hmm... I've seen those fonts somewhere before.

18 March 2007

Eat your vegetables

It's now the season of Lent, which according to the Catholic faith is a time of fasting - to freely abstain from stuff you'd normally like to do (there's a lot more reasoning behind this, apparently).

Some give up chocolate. Others stop drinking alcohol. Most Catholics would take Fridays as a day to abstain from meat - simply because it's yummy and shit.


I am catholic, and therefore, I shall abstain from meat on Fridays too. Because I believe in God and I am a very very good boy.

But it seems that I've not been fasting properly for the past 27 years of my life, as I've recently discovered.



The following conversation is an excerpt from an online chat session:
me: Are you done with work yet? I come pick you up.

Elaine: no need
finish your work
i have stuff i can do here still. ... housekeeping etc...

me: T_T

Elaine: dun worry

me: ok... i hurry

Elaine: dun worry
don stress
had big lunch ... am not hungry

me: ah...
you do realise we're supposed to be vegetarian today, right? :)

Elaine: erm
chicken is a vegetable
it is

me: Oh... really???
So my mum has been lying all this while!!!


Elaine: yes ... um ... yes, she has
because i would never eat anything but a vegetable-chicken on fridays during lent

me: yes...
Ah... so THAT'S how they grow chickens!!!
They plant the eggs IN THE GROUND!!!

Elaine: YES!
The chickens get cut off their stalks when they are big enough to ... erm ... make a tasty vegetable dish



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Shortly after, the following mental image appeared in my head:





Click to enlarge

So there. Remember to eat your vegetables.

02 March 2007

My England very terror worr...!

Being the self-appointed English language guru that I am, I often take pride in correcting the grammar of my friends and family members - just to show off my superiority superior English.

I also taunt Chinese-educated PR/marketing people over the phone with a supposed English accent (It's true! Ah Bengs and La Las can't tell the difference).

It's quite simple, just speak like one of those Indian English teachers you had in primary school and omit all the aar's and lah's from your speech. (FYI, there's an incredibly detailed guide to Malaysian English in Wikipedia)

And what I've just realised is that, because the standard of English is quite poor in Malaysia, it is possible to impose incorrect grammar/vocabulary on people (Accidentally, of course).

Take the following conversation I had with Aloy, for example:

    EDITORS NOTES: Some parts of this dialogue are fictional.


Aloy: My cousin/brother/etc (I can't remember - Chris) just bought a Nikon D70s.

Me: Oh, he must have got it for a swan song!

Aloy: A what?

Me: A swan song.

Aloy: Erm... what's that?

ME: WHAT? YOU MEAN YOU DUNNO WHAT A SWAN SONG IS???

Aloy: Erm... No. what is it?

(Cue dramatic musical score by Hans Zimmer)

ME: IT MEANS THAT HE GOT IT CHEAP! FOR A GOOD PRICE!

Aloy: Erm... Really? Is it a common saying?

ME: OF COURSE IT IS!!! Now... BOW BEFORE MY SUPERIOR COMMAND OF THE QUEEN'S LANGUAGE!!!

Aloy: But... we're not an English colony anymore, and...

ME: SILENCE!!!

(Fade out dramatic musical score by Hans Zimmer)

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The big mistake I've made, of course, is that I used the wrong noun. It should have been just "a song", not "a swan song".

I checked my dictionary this morning - a "swan song" is a person's final public performance or professional activity before retirement. Erm... *Oops!*

Big white singing birds: cheap


So if any of you out there ever bump into me and find me correcting your English, just ignore me - I might be wrong... -_-