Silence, it can be stunning.

I was driving home just a couple of hours ago (around midnight) when it occurred to me that my car was being uncharacteristically silent. You see, it's normally a hell of a noisy beast when on the move - the slightest of surface undulations would normally send the car flying off at a tangent, resulting in all manner of squeaks, creaks and very worrying, metallic sounding "Clunk!" sounds. Oh, and they seemed to have forgotten to attach the suspension when it was on the assembly line.

So yes, it's put together like a typical Italian car. Which meant that it should've been really noisy considering that most of the roads leading to my house are dotted with small craters attempting to pass off as potholes.

But no. There was absolute silence. It was like a magic carpet ride.

The reason, of course, was that the potholes were no longer there. And the reason for that, of course, is that the roads have been paved. ALL of them.

And the reason that ALL of the roads have been paved is because the general elections are just around the corner and the federal government needs to show that it's actually running the country properly.

And to show that it is indeed running the country properly, they've decided to pave all the roads with glistening, fresh, black tarmac. Mmmmmm...

Never mind that the crime rate is soaring, that inflation is slowly turning my 50 ringgit notes into small change, and that for some reason, it has become socially acceptable for you to thrust a sword into the air during a political party general assembly while screaming some sort of battle cry - as long as our roads are paved, we're happy.

Now this is actually a good thing. I recently spent over 600 ringgit repairing my suspension (turns out there was one after all) after several years of driving into inverted speed bumps.

Want better roads? Vote for this guy!

But here's the thing.

The roads are only paved about once every five years, which coincides with the general elections (held every five years or so). Which is a problem because the roads normally deteriorate into the rut-infested variety after two years, which leaves us with about three years of shitty roads.

This means, of course, that unless we have general elections every two years we aren't going to get freshly paved roads every two years.

Which means, of course, that we must somehow get the government to hold general elections every two years.

And to do that, we must... must... erm... well you know. Yeah.










Sorry, but that's about as far as I thought. I do like the freshly paved roads, though.

Saving money...

I live approximately 200m from my office (literally on the same street), which is walking distance except that my house is up a hill (about 50ft elevation or so), which means that - while walking to my office is easy - coming home will be tiring as hell since I have to climb back up the hill (Which I've tried before, so I know).


However, I have devised an ingenious plan to get to the office and back without having to drive, walk or cycle:


1. All I have to do is walk out of my house and hail a taxi at the traffic lights (while it's still red).
2. Once the taxi is moving, I tell him I want to go to Penang (which is like a five-hour drive north).
3. The driver will tell me I'm crazy.
4. I'll then tell the driver to take me back to my house.
5. The driver will then tell me to eat shit and die.
6. He'll drop me off at the end of the street - where my office is.

^_^

I figure I can probably get away with this a couple of times before they start to catch on.

The problem, though, is in coming back home (which is uphill). From my office, there's way too many exits and stops on the way back to my house. Sigh...

The ultimate diet Coke shootout.

I’m addicted to Coke (the soft drink, not the white powder that you ingest through your nostrils).

I’ve been drinking Coke ever since I learnt how to operate a bottle opener (about the age of 4), and have been regularly drinking the shit at least twice a day for the past 24 years.

When I was in university, I drank Coke as a substitute for coffee – to wake me up in the mornings as I drag myself to the lecture theatres.

During the season of Lent, I abstain from Coke as a form of fasting. So yes, I do like Coke very very much.

The problem, however, is that I’m getting rather rotund and have grown a second chin.

Coke contains loads of calories, which means that the more I drink it, the more of a fat ass I’ll become. This is especially since I’m approaching 30 and my metabolic rate isn’t what it used to be. And so, I’ve embarked on a task to find the ideal alternative low-calorie Coke.

Coke and its sugar-free friends...

Coke contains about 42 Calories (or 42kcal) per 100ml, which is a lot. Let’s see how the alternatives measure up…

Coke Light
Calories: 0.3 kcal per 100ml
Price: between RM1.40 to RM1.70 per 325ml can
Availability: Almost anywhere you can also find regular coke.

Coke Light: It's not shit.

Well, this is the most obvious choice for Coke lovers – it’s by the same guys who make Coke and is easily available. Some places price it at RM0.10 more per can than regular Coke, which is evil.

Unfortunately, it does taste rather different – kinda like a cross between original Coke and Dr Pepper (yuck) but with a very strong artificially sweetened taste. You’ll get used to it eventually though it’ll never replace the real thing.


Diet Coke Caffeine Free
Calories: 0.5 kcal per 100ml
Price: RM4.90 per 330ml can
Availability: Cold Storage supermarkets

Diet Coke Caffeine Free: It's shit

It comes in a golden can and costs an arm and a leg (since it’s imported from the UK). But is it any better than Coke Light? Sadly, no.

Not only does it still have the artificial taste, the absence of caffeine means that it doesn’t give you that extra buzz in the morning – to get you and your bowels going. Don’t waste your money on this rubbish.


Coke Zero
Calories: 0.5 kcal per 100ml
Price: RM4.90 per 330ml can
Availability: Cold Storage supermarkets

Coke Zero: the almost Coke

Now here’s something different! Kinda like Coke Light but with the promise of the original Coke taste, Coke Zero is the real deal and almost tastes as good as original Coke.

There’s only a hint of that artificial sweetener taste, though it’s mostly masked by the other flavours that create that distinctive Coke taste.

Unfortunately, it’s also RM4.90 a can because it’s imported all the way from the UK. But if you’re filthy rich and need a Coke without the calories, this is the drink for you.


Conclusion
Even though Coke Zero tastes fantastic, its high price is bound to turn away even the most dedicated of Coke drinkers. Which means that most of us will still have to settle for the second best product – Coke Light. Sigh.

Of course, there is another evil option: Pepsi Max or Pepsi Light!

Sugar-free Pepsi: As evil as sin, but tastes rather good...

Yes, Pepsi is evil but for some reason, its sugar-free cola offerings are closer in taste to the company’s original full-flavoured Pepsi. I’ve only drunk Pepsi Light or Pepsi Max when I didn’t have any other choice, though I have to admit that I’m quite impressed by the taste.

So I guess it’s down to two choices if you’re on a budget: settle for sub-par Coke Light or drink Pepsi Light/Max and shoot yourself later.

Brought to you by the letter "F"

The plant species of the day is:

The FARKleberry
(pronounced "Far kel berry", not "Fark le berry")

Definition from Wikipedia:
Vaccinium arboreum (Sparkleberry or FARKleberry) is a species of Vaccinium native to the southeastern United States, from southern Virginia west to southeastern Missouri, and south to Florida and eastern Texas.

It is a shrub (rarely a small tree) growing to 3-5 m (rarely 9 m) tall. The leaves are evergreen in the south of the range, but deciduous further north where winters are colder; they are oval-elliptic with an acute apex, 3-7 cm long and 2-4 cm broad, with a smooth or very finely toothed margin. The flowers are white, bell-shaped, 3-4 mm diameter, with a five-lobed corolla, produced in racemes up to 5 cm long. The fruit is a round dry berry about 6 mm diameter, green at first, black when ripe, edible but bitter and tough.

----

So, now you know.

FARKleberry... :)

My England very terror worr...!

Being the self-appointed English language guru that I am, I often take pride in correcting the grammar of my friends and family members - just to show off my superiority superior English.

I also taunt Chinese-educated PR/marketing people over the phone with a supposed English accent (It's true! Ah Bengs and La Las can't tell the difference).

It's quite simple, just speak like one of those Indian English teachers you had in primary school and omit all the aar's and lah's from your speech. (FYI, there's an incredibly detailed guide to Malaysian English in Wikipedia)

And what I've just realised is that, because the standard of English is quite poor in Malaysia, it is possible to impose incorrect grammar/vocabulary on people (Accidentally, of course).

Take the following conversation I had with Aloy, for example:

EDITORS NOTES: Some parts of this dialogue are fictional.

Aloy: My cousin/brother/etc (I can't remember - Chris) just bought a Nikon D70s.

Me: Oh, he must have got it for a swan song!

Aloy: A what?

Me: A swan song.

Aloy: Erm... what's that?

ME: WHAT? YOU MEAN YOU DUNNO WHAT A SWAN SONG IS???

Aloy: Erm... No. what is it?

(Cue dramatic musical score by Hans Zimmer)

ME: IT MEANS THAT HE GOT IT CHEAP! FOR A GOOD PRICE!

Aloy: Erm... Really? Is it a common saying?

ME: OF COURSE IT IS!!! Now... BOW BEFORE MY SUPERIOR COMMAND OF THE QUEEN'S LANGUAGE!!!

Aloy: But... we're not an English colony anymore, and...

ME: SILENCE!!!

(Fade out dramatic musical score by Hans Zimmer)

--------------

The big mistake I've made, of course, is that I used the wrong noun. It should have been just "a song", not "a swan song".

I checked my dictionary this morning - a "swan song" is a person's final public performance or professional activity before retirement. Erm... *Oops!*

Big white singing birds: cheap

So if any of you out there ever bump into me and find me correcting your English, just ignore me - I might be wrong... -_-

Singapore Zoo! (Round Three)

I love Singapore Zoo. It's one of the few places I can visit several times and still look forward to each trip - mostly because of the fantastic photographic opportunities it presents.

Me with little sis no.2

Unlike most other zoos, the enclosures in Singapore Zoo are very photographer-friendly and allow you to get real close to the animals. Plus, it's got fantastic facilities and very helpful staff.

I like helpful staff.

I also like tigers, but I've shot a few hundred pictures of them already (see previous posts) so I'll spare you from more tiger pictures. So without further ado, I present to you the non-feline animals of Singapore Zoo


Cottontop Tamarin

Many thanks to Kit for telling me what this is (there weren't any signs at the zoo). The Cottontop Tamarin is a small (at most 20cm tall and less than 0.5kg) primate found in the jungles of South America. It's also got a rather cool haircut, which can be puffed up to make it appear bigger when threatened. It eats mostly insects, fruits, buds and small lizards.

Unfortunately, the Cottontop Tamarin is currently an endangered species, initially because they were exported for scientific experiments, though the primary cause now is deforestation (Kill the forest and kill its inhabitants).


Cotton-Eared Marmoset
Another small primate, the Cotton-Eared Marmoset is also found in South America. But unlike the Cottontop Tamarin, it seems to be doing fine, which is strange when you consider how it's the same size and shares the same habitat and diet.

The only difference is that the Cotton-Eared Marmoset is found in Brazil, which brought us wonderful stuff like coffee, Ronaldinho and Ayrton Senna. So yes, Brazil is a great country.

In contrast, the poor Cottontop Tamarind is found in Colombia, which brought us drug lords and Juan Pablo Montoya. Yes, it's doomed...


Giraffe
This is a Giraffe. It is tall (up to 18ft), does everything standing (even sleeping), has the same number of bones in its neck as a human (that's seven, if you're wondering) and has no voice. And, a single kick from a giraffe can kill a man. Yes, this is a giraffe. Yes it is.


Jackass Penguin
Whoever gave the Jackass Penguin its name obviously had a lot of fun. It's a medium-sized penguin (grows slightly over 2ft tall) found off the southern coast of Africa. They are currently a vulnerable species because of pollution, changes to their habitat and because their eggs taste damn good. Apparently. They normally live for up to 10 years, although some specimens have been known to live for up to 40 years in controlled environments (i.e. in an aquarium with optimum space, temperatures, diets and loads of stupid children making silly faces at them).


Common Green Iguana
It's an iguana! And it's bloody ugly. Well, not sure what else to say, really. I don't particularly like lizards - they give me the creeps...


Jaguar
Often confused with leopards (wait... these are jaguars, right?), jaguars are big cats with spots all over their bodies, though they sometimes have very dark fur instead. Found only in South America, jaguars are very similar to tigers in that they're solitary animals, live in dense jungles and actually like swimming (just try dipping your cat into a tub of water...). Their method of attack is damn cool, though - because they have much stronger jaws than most other animals, they are able to bite right through the skulls of its prey, stabbing their brains to death until they die.


Striped Ass
This is the backside of a zebra, normally found on its posterior (e.g. the opposite end to the one with eyes, a mouth, a pair of nostrils and long, goofy looking ears). It also isn't a very good place to stand for at least three very good reasons.


Cannibalism
Here, we see an orange-coloured bird eating another orange-coloured bird of the same species. Which is actually rather good for the bird on the left because its usual diet of fruits, seeds and insects is rubbish. Just be wary if one of these little buggers land on your shoulders - they could lop off your head in a single peck. Honest.

What is Hokkien Mee?

Forged in the fires of hell...

...but tastes like heaven.

And enjoyed by Singaporeans crossing the border (and also one particular Malaysian living there who misses the food here, which is much much MUCH better by the way)

Yum... ^_^

Fairly useless trivia - Part 1

And now for this week's completely useless bit of trivia.

Some of you may be aware of the existence of two distinct marine clownfish: The Ocellaris Clownfish and Percula Clownfish (also known as a false anemonefish / false clownfish).



Both species are very closely related and have very similar patterns and colours although an experience marine biologits could probably tell the two apart at a glance.

What I didn't know (and I bet you don't either) is that the 'easiest' way to tell them apart is to count the number of spines on their dorsal fins - Ocellarises have 11 while Perculas have just 10.

...



-_-


Well, now you know.

It'll be difficult keeping the little buggers completely still while you count, though.

Annoy your neighbour's dogs. And children too...

At this very moment in time, I've got a really wayang headache from listening to some ultra high-pitched sine wave audio samples. Thanks to this guy, of course.

Apparently, a female student in some other country heard about how some adults (read: old farts) can't hear audio frequencies at 16KHz and above. This student then decided to use a 16KHz sine wave audio sample as a ring tone, which is brilliant since she'd be able to hear her phone ring during lectures while her teachers won't.

Sure enough, Kit tried playing this 16KHz ring tone in front of all of us and most of the 'more experienced' people in the office couldn't hear it - even though it irritated the shit out of us younger people.

The human ear is supposedly able to hear frequencies between 20Hz (ultra low-pitch bass) and 20KHz (ultra high-pitch treble). This is also why audio CDs have a sampling rate of 44.1KHz, which results in a maximum attainable frequency of about 22KHz - just a bit higher than what humans can hear.

And so, we tried listening to various audio samples at the office to check our individual cut-off points at this website.



Apparently, I'm able to hear stuff up to 18KHz. The other guys in the office could only hear up to 17KHz. So I guess that means I win... *yay!*

Try it out and tell me your frequency cut-off points! Do it now!!!



****

As a side note, you could burn an 18KHz or 19KHz audio sample onto a CD, drive up to a kindergarten and play it at full blast on your car stereo with the windows down. Imagine the extremely baffled look on the teachers' faces as their students go completely bonkers. *Insert evil laughter!!!*

Italian cars, bungee cord and tow trucks...

For a while, my Fiat Multipla sort of forgotten that it’s an Italian car, and remained problem free* since the start of 2006 (the longest problem-free stretch ever).

* Note: If you have an Italian car, your expectations on what constitutes a ‘problem’ will eventually sink. Rattles and squeaks? No problem. Faulty electrical wiring on headlamps? It’s fine. Melting plastic fittings on dashboard? No worries. Shagged shock absorbers? I’ll live with it. Leaking sunroof? Well, a little water never hurt anyone. As long as I can start the engine and proceed from point-A to some other place within 500 metres of point-B, there’s no problem.

A couple of nights ago, the Multipla finally came to its senses and became it’s old self again. Which meant I had a problem.

After a long day at work, which was the end of a bloody long week, I stumbled out of the office at 1AM and into my car, turned the key and heard a loud “CRUNCH!!!”.

Engines normally go “Vroom…!” (Or “BRAMmmm! Bum bum bum bum bum…!” if it’s an Alfa Romeo).

“CRUNCH!!!” followed by “Snap! Crackle! Pop!” should only happen during breakfast.

The battery sure-as-hell wasn’t dead since I’ve just changed it and I don’t think electronics make bone-snapping sounds so something must’ve broke in the engine. It was late, I was completely knackered, I was bloody hungry and everyone I knew was probably sleeping by then so I walked home (I can now confirm that the office is only a five-minute walk from my house).

And cooked some Shin Ramyun, which I promptly ate. Yum.

The next morning, the scale of my problem started to become more apparent with each sip of Brand’s Essence of Chicken (some Chinese placebo, if you’re wondering).

My car was parked in a basement car park. It needs to be towed to a workshop.

Tow trucks don’t fit in basement car parks – they’re too tall.

I called AAM (the Automobile Association of Malaysia) and they sent over a mechanic to see if he could fix my car on the spot. He couldn’t.



The problem was that the little gear that connects the camshaft to the timing belt broke! It’s a shame that I didn’t take a picture of it. You see, normally the timing belt would break first (since it’s made of rubber). The reason this happened is that, unlike other car manufacturers who’d have a solid metal gear, the one on the Multipla's diesel engine looks like a sport rim, hollowed out with thin spokes. Ah…

At least it looked nicer than a solid wheel. Gotta love those passionate Italians…

The dude from AAM told me that my car couldn’t be fixed on the spot (which I already knew), that a tow truck wouldn’t be able to come down to the car park (which I also already knew) and that the AAM only had one pickup truck with a tow hook that could pull me out (which surprised me, quite frankly).

He said that I’d have to wait until the truck was available, which may take a few hours.

“A FEW HOURS?”

Oh dear… I had originally woken up at 7am so that I could get the Multipla to the FIAT service centre by 1pm – before it closes on Saturday. It was now about 10:00am, which wasn’t good.

Thankfully, I happened to know someone else with a pickup truck and a long cord for pulling other cars:

"Did someone call for help?"

Yup, Paul Si came to the rescue in his Ford Everest and brought along one of those elastic cords used to pull other 4x4s out of a sticky situation.

“It’s a Saturday morning… So I thought ‘What the hell, I’ll give it a try…’”, he said.

First, we tied the two vehicles together at their tow hooks.

My car

Paul's armoured truck

After pulling the Multipla out of its parking spot, we had to connect the cord to the front so I could steer it. However, Paul’s Everest only has a tow hook at the front, so he had to reverse all the way out of the basement.

Negotiating a tight corner

Going up the ramp…


Going through another tight corner.


Light! I see light!


Yay! We were finally out. Paul looks rather pleased with himself...


"Hmmm... Let's do this again."


Now that the car was at surface level, I called AAM to tell them that I had already pulled the car out of the basement car park and didn't need their pickup truck. They said "Ok!" and that they'll send a towtruck in about an HOUR. It was about 11:45am, now.

...

Right.

So I had lunch with Paul and after wishing him many thanks, he went off to continue the rest of his Saturday. Meanwhile, I waited. And waited. At about 1:30pm, there still wasn't any sign of the AAM tow truck. "Fine... I guess I could leave the car at the service centre over the weekend," I thought.

I gave the AAM office a call to see how my tow truck was doing and, for some reason, they seemed completely surprised. Apparently, someone said that my problem "...had already been settled!"

WHAT???

So why the hell did they say they were sending a tow truck? Gee... thanks for wasting my time. The lady at the other end of the phone told me to contact the tow truck, and she gave me his number but I said, "NO! Why the hell should I call YOUR tow truck? Can't you call him yourself???"

She grumbled and spurted a few noises which vaguely resembled a "yes".

"How long?" I asked.

"About an hour" she said.

...


Great.

I waited till about 2pm and received a phone call from one of the AAM's staff. He said:

"I apologise for the delay, sir. We're still trying to get a pick-up truck to pull your car out of the basement carpark. You see, a tow truck won't fit and..."

"BUT I'VE ALREADY PULLED MY CAR OUT OF THE BASEMENT!!!" I said in a very loud but calm manner.

"Eh? You did?" he asked.

"YES! I got a friend to help me, and I've already told your staff... TWICE!"

"Erm... ok, I'll send the tow truck, then"

"How long will it take?"

"Erm... about an hour"

So I had some tea. And some Coca-Cola. And more tea. And then I looked at my watch and it was already pointing at 3:20pm. No tow truck in sight, I called the AAM again.

"Hi, I've called about three or four times earlier - since 9:30 this morning - and my car still hasn't been towed," I said.

"Oh, that case. The car in a basement car park?" replied the operator.

"No, it's already at ground level," I said again.

"Is it?" he asked.

"Yes. For heaven's sake can you send me a bloody tow truck."

"Sure... but it'll be about an hour."

"Thank you."

Eventually,the tow truck appeared at about 3:45pm (which was the first time the AAM had ever come earlier than they'd said they would).

Now, I guess it's their way of making up for their blunders all day, but it was kinda cool that AAM sent the biggest bloody tow truck they had in their arsenal. It wasn't so much a tow truck than a lorry which you could put your car on top of. Cool.


Finally, at about 4:30pm, we arrived at the Fiat service centre in Jalan Hulu Klang.

Note: Cheap camera-phone shot

I'll have to go to the centre to sort it all out tomorrow morning, since the staff had already gone home that day.

Malaysia BOLEH!!!

Curse of the IBM Death Star

A couple of weeks ago, my sisters' eMac suddenly gave up the ghost. A quick look at it and I figured that the hard disk had crashed. It kept making a strange clicking sound.

And so, I took the eMac apart (with the help of some very comprehensive service manuals) and replaced the hard disk.

The eMac came with an 80GB Hitachi-branded IBM Deskstar 180GXP.

I wondered why the name sounded so familiar. I couldn't put my finger on it at first, but then... it hit me.


IT'S A @#$%ING DEATH STAR!!!

In case you've never heard, the Deskstar (also known as the Death Star) was IBM's notoriously unreliable range of hard drives sold around 2003. It did insurmountable damage to IBM's reputation as a mass storage device manufacturer.

The controversy behind the Deathstar wasn't merely because it was unbelieveably unreliable (an estimated 6% failure rate among users within the short term and a maximum lifespan of about 3 years or so), but because IBM knew that it had a design defect but denied that the Deskstar series had any issues.

Basically, if you've bought a computer in the year 2003 or 2004 from a branded computer company (i.e. Apple, Dell, HP, Compaq, IBM, etc...) I highly recommend checking what sort of hard drive you've got.

CAUTION: If your hard drive looks anything like this, I highly recommend backing up all your data now and upgrading your PC/Mac to any other hard drive in the market. Trust me, you can't possibly get anything worse than this.

The clicking sound I heard from the eMac was the Deathstar's infamous "Click of Death" - a common indicator that your drive is about to go the way of the Dodo.

*************************
Anyway, here's how I replaced the hard drive on the eMac. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to repair and change components in an all-in-one Mac on your own (i.e. the eMac and iMac range). All you need are the service manuals and some basic tools (screwdrivers, Allen keys, etc...) and some prior experience in taking apart electronic devices.

While it looks daunting at first, the eMac's innards are extremely well designed. The parts make maximum use of available space and are relatively easy to disassemble (no scary, PCB-bending antics required here).

Of course, this is coming from someone who's spent the better part of his life taking apart videogames consoles, radio controlled cars and PCs. If you've never taken apart a toaster before, ask someone who has (if you want something changed in your eMac).

With that out of the way, it's time to play doctor.

STEP 1: Place eMac on table/bench/bed/sofa facing downwards.

Step 2: Remove the big shiny screws with an Allen key (always useful to have these things lying around the house).

STEP 3: Pull off the white casing, making sure you unfasten the power button connector - otherwise, you'll rip it right off. This is what a naked eMac looks like.


STEP 4: Remove the Faraday plate - this will expose the optical drive, and the entire digital assembly.


STEP 5: Remove the cooling fan.


INTERMISSION: This is what the eMac should look like at this stage.


STEP 6: Remove the digital assembly.

STEP 7: Unscrew the hard drive cradle and unfasten the cables. Now, you should have a bird's eye view of the graphics chip, CPU heat sink and other cool-looking bits and pieces.

STEP 7: Replace piece of shit with a nice, healthy Maxtor hard drive.

Once you're done, just backtrack until you've got a working eMac again that's not in bits and pieces. If you've already put the eMac back together but found something like this lying around your room:



Then, I suggest you read the service manuals - you probably forgot to put something back in.

Thai massage - it's a scam!!!

I should mention that, while in Bangkok, I did have the opportunity to experience traditional Thai massage.

No hanky panky, mind you... Just PROPER Thai massage where they make you wear something that looks like a cross between old pyjamas and prison clothes while an old aunty literally kicks the shit out of you.

Now, you know how massages are *supposed* to really hurt? As the massagers knead all of the knots out of your muscles? Well, it's good, except for the fact that my arms and legs were fine anyway.

It was also supposed to loosen up my back and neck, which I'm sure would've been great after a long day, but I was fine beforehand.

The head massages were also supposed to release the stress and headaches which supposedly plague the inner sanctum of my skull, and it would have been brilliant if I actually did have a headache - which I didn't since my job can hardly be described as stressful.

If that was the case, why on Earth did I end up in a massage parlour in Bangkok with some lady flinging me over her shoulder like a roti canai?

It's simple, really - because it's *supposed* to be good for you. If you're already fine, it's supposed to make you finer. Only it didn't (not in my case, at least).


In fact, all I really ended up with was a stiff neck:

Oww...

I guess if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

BUT... But I've had massages before, even while I was feeling fine. And almost every time, I came away feeling much better - looser, lighter, straighter, longer, etc... But each time, it was either Swedish-style massage or Japanese Shiatsu. Yes, they didn't last two hours long (which the Thai massage did), but they didn't hurt either.

In fact, it actually felt pretty good in the middle of a Swedish/Shiatsu massage - you can feel yourself unwinding and falling asleep. And when you wake up, you feel like a million dollars.

In contrast, I was close to screaming most of the time during the Thai massage, as I was being stretched, poked and twisted out of shape.

Which brings me to the point of this rant - I think that Thai massages are a big scam!

You see, if you come out of a massage parlour and don't feel anything, your compatriots will probably blame you instead - for not relaxing properly - or simply accuse you of being to much of a simpleton to appreciate the finer things in life. Uncultured, so to speak. After all, it can't possibly be the masseur's fault - they're pros and Thais have a reputation for being some of the best masseurs in the world.

And that's the thing... it's all just reputation. Somehow, traditional Thai massage has garnered such a God-like stature that, no matter how inept the masseur was, she/he did a great job because it hurt like hell and the ceasefire thereafter (i.e. not having someone jam their knuckles into your bones) feels like heaven in comparison.

That's rubbish!

And now that's done, I'll have to rush home to do some packing. Flying off (again) to catch the press junket for the following film:



Watch this space.

Two days in Tokyo...

I've been in Tokyo for about a couple of days, and I haven't seen much of it yet. Spent most of my time in restaurants, my hotel room and in various Panasonic showcase centres . It's been pretty pleasant, so far - thanks to a couple of things:

1. The Food
Well, the food's been excellent, really. I've eaten my fair share of Japanese food in KL but the stuff here is really excellent.


The sushi is ultra fresh and tastes rather good - full of flavour, without relying on gimmicky sauces or garnishing ala Genki Sushi. Even basic stuff like egg(tamago), tuna (maguro) and crab (kani )sushi tastes amazing. And bloody hell, they actually use real crab meat - not the artificial crab sticks you get back home.

But that was last night's dinner. Just now, our hosts gave us a nice 7- or 8-course Japanese dinner (can't remember exactly). Ate enough sashimi to make myself sick and had possibly the second best grilled salmon I've ever tasted.

Yum...!


The beer's good too. You can get Yebisu in Malaysia in some supermarkets (try Jusco) and restaurants. I highly recommend it - it's a 100% malt beer made from "Bayern aroma hops". Yes, it even tastes like German Weissbier. Eeeeexcellent...

2. The Hotel room

Ok, us journalists are often sent to nice hotels whenever we go on overseas assignments. This one's no different, with a huge bed, a well-equipped bathroom and other niceties...

Me in my home for the next 1.5 days


You can even see Tokyo Tower from the window.

However, this hotel's miles better than any of the other ones I've stayed in - thanks to one thing: The toilet.


Yes, it's one of those magnificent densetsu no (legendary) Japanese bogs that not only wash your arse, but have heated seats too! If I could take a shit on one of these things every morning, I'd be late for work EVERY DAY. Hell, I'd actually take my time to read The Star!



Here's a close-up shot of the control panel - the blue button says 'Backside' and the red one says 'Bidet' (for washing a woman's fiddly bits). The two smaller buttons below them toggle the movement of the nozzle (on/off) while the knob to the right controls the water pressure.

If you don't know how these work, a little nozzle appears from below (when you push the buttons) and sprays a jet of warm water all over your orifices. It's a very nice sensation, and I'm sure it does a good job of cleaning up.

Why in God's name can't you find these superb devices out of Japan is beyond me. This is possibly the greatest invention in the history of mankind since the electric shaver.

I'll have more updates once I find the time. Meanwhile, I've gotta go to the toilet. Really.