29 March 2007

Culling the human race...

There are precisely 5 sorts of humans who should be wiped off the face of the planet. It would be a great injustice for these things to breed, propagating their inferior and very stupid genes around the place.


Here they are, in order of decreasing right to exist:

5. The Inconsiderate

This is the turd who talks behind you in the cinema and kicks your seat. The asshole who stands on the toilet seat (either that or urinates all over it for fun). The type of smoker who blows smoke in your face and tells you "Oh, it's my right - this is not a non-smoking area."

He's the rich prick in the Mercedes Benz who double parks on a busy main road because he doesn't want to pay parking fees (thus causing a jam). Who also tosses rubbish out his car window because it's dirty. The annoying kid who pushes his way past you on a crowded queue/escalator (some adults do this too!!! - mostly mainland Chinese).

These are the people who queue jump. The lazy co-worker who expects others to pick up the slack.

What's rather annoying about these idiots is that everything that they do is at an inconvenience to someone else. Which is rather funny, because even they are annoyed by their own kind.

4. The Disgusting

This is the retard who wets the entire bathroom by cleaning his face, or flings his hands everywhere except into the basin after washing them (thus, splattering water over all other humans in the vicinity).

He's the chain-smoker who gives you a shoulder massage - leaving a nauseating imprint of his scent on your collars (no, I'm not making this up!). The horribly overweight woman who wears a belt, passing it off as a skirt (strangely, this type of person also wears enough perfume to kill a small mammal).

He's the mainland Chinese who chews with his mouth open (making those awful, sticky sounds). He also sneezes/coughs at you repeatedly.

They are also the people whose behaviours don't match their appearances (i.e. acting cute when they are ugly, trying to be sexy when they are revolting, talking with American accents when their basic grammatical skills are absent).

These are people who offend you by virtue of being themselves. Terrible.

3. The Condescending

This is the person who takes the high horse, the mightier than thou attitude... The bitch (I'm not talking about anyone in particular, really!) who seems to have done everything before you have, eaten at all your favourite restaurants before yourself. read every bloody book that you're planning to read and... you know what I'm saying. And for some reason, your opinions don't seem to carry much weight with them. For that matter, they don't even seem to be listening - she hears the first half of your sentence and goes, "Yeah, I've done that before..." and proceeds to finish your sentence, tell you what your opinions/experiences are AND later tells you that you're sorely mistaken and that her ideas and experiences are, in fact, better.

She then goes "Aww... you poor thing. Too bad you're not as intelligent as me. I should have told you."

But you didn't, so shut up and DIE!!!

Oh yeah, and these people often place a huge importance on intelligence and often compare themselves to others (who for some reason, are always more stupid than they are). Wankers.

2. The parrot

These are the people who have no opinion of their own. Rather, they often share opinions with someone who just said something 5 seconds prior. The same applies to their general knowledge. In any mildly interesting discussion, their sentences always seem to begin with "Oh yeah!", followed by an echo of what someone else just said.

In meetings, discussions and general chitchat, the parrots are supremely annoying because they add nothing to the conversation yet prolong it unnecessarily. And worse, sometimes they mis-quote facts and come out looking incredibly ignorant.

And the moment you ask these people something, they shut up - unable to say anything. Unable to come up with an original opinion simply because they have none. And if they do have an opinion about something, it's either something extremely obvious, trivial or borrowed from someone.

These people are soulless - they wander the Earth absorbing personalities from all who surround them. Which is quite funny when you realise that they take on the most obvious traits from everyone around them.

While these sort of humans are of no danger to mankind, they should be put to sleep for their own sakes.

1. The shameless

These are probably the worst sort of humans - they know that they're being unreasonable, two-faced, inconsiderate, disgusting and so on - yet, they persist!

This is the sort of person who will give thirteen million excuses why she hasn't got time to do something, and later goes for a 2-hour lunch. Or spends the next hour playing computer games - all this after asking for an extension.

The sort of person who says that she has to leave work early (with unfinished business) because of an early appointment the next day - only that she's really gone off to party and her appointment is at 10am (Wow... THAT's early).

This is also the sort of person who kisses ass.

This is the person who is paid more than some of her colleagues, yet does less than half the amount of work AND COMPLAINS THAT THERE'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!

This is the guy who is conveniently struck by a hard-to-diagnose virus everytime there's a hint of pressure at work.

This is the guy who asks you for a favour, and then CRITICISES you for not meeting his expectations.


Admittedly, most of us slip into one of these categories when we are not at our best (I probably fit into at least two myself).

However, I've actually met at least two beings that seem to be in ALL FIVE categories on a fairly regular basis.

There. I've let it out...



Elaine said...

I have someone I want to cull. But she doesn't fit in these categories because she's so sickening she's a category in herself. Bitch.

Thank god she's leaving. I don't think I'd enjoy jail very much.

I pity the next company that takes her on. The fools.

Zandramas said...

hmmm i notice the word "she" appearing many many times... lol... hmm Elaine.. u can have the person i want to wipe off the face of the earth at the moment..
hmmm there os a unique breed which mutated from the condecending breed. It's the kind that has all the traits!! arrgh run for cover -- patronising, "saintly" and whiny who thinks that the world is in love with her ..*shudders*